okay.

and i'm not sure what im waiting around for

all im doing is hurting myself

so whats the point in putting myself through this run around

yes, i cant help my feelings

but i sure as hell can try and stop them from progressing

i think i just look like an idiot right now

to everyone 

but i need to stop trying because this has become ridiculous

all i feel is that this is all my fault

when i know it isn't

i haven't done anything wrong in this situation

so this is it

im not one to quit or give up usually

i hate being a quitter

but this is a dead end obviously

and that is that

moving on starting..now..

i hope

no words

so i have a bad habit

well actually i'm sure i have many

but this one specifically is affecting my life right now

as we speak.. err type

it seems that in recent years when i receive bad news i keep it to myself

depending on the severity 

but the news i got the other day was one i could not bring myself to say out loud

because then it becomes real ya know?

my roommate is in a similar situation

i only know this because he has made it very well known he has shit going on

and will not divulge any other information

i however am keeping this entirely to myself

although sooner or later im going to have to vent about it to someone

because its really driving me nuts

this seems so vague i know.

but its helping me vent at least this much

and keeping me from crying 

what to do what to do

i mean if i tell someone they'll be supportive and talk to me about it

or

i can keep it to myself and keep living in my fantasy land where nothing can hurt me

decisions decisions….

vomit.

sooo its an unusually rainy day here in LA

i think i have seasonal depression

well rather daily weather depression i guess?

that doesn't really make much sense either

i'm too tired to think straight right now

but my legs and chest are sore? strange..

i went to starbucks and the woman was a TOTAL bitch to me

probably just jealous of mah hot bod.

but no really i probably wont get hired now she hated me for whatever reason

and all i wanted today was mexican food and matt refused to go get it with me

but oh wait!

he came home with leftovers from a MEXICAN RESTAURANT

like ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!

he hates me.. clearly

but his friend felt bad for me since they went without me

at least someone has a heart

i'll remember this when your birthday and hanukkah roll around matt!

i want to puke

im not sure why

it just feels like it may happen in the very near future

i' ve had strange stomach issues for a while now. like months

and of course my first assumption was stomach cancer

i literally could not keep anything down at all

i lost so much weight

which i wouldn't necessarily say is a bad thing

but anyways thats besides the point

so i went to my doctor and she ran tests thinking maybe it was one of the following:

ulcers, no

gastritis, no

diabetes, no

bleeding in my stomach lining, no

and so on

so of course im still thinking whoa i totally do have cancer

and i began panning out everything i'd want to do in my final years

take off and travel the world 

and that was honestly as far as i got in my planning

i got side tracked or something

and after months of bullshit tests, blood work, co pays and other crap i finally went to an allergist

and they determined i have various food allergies

like of course

duh

whatever. 

fuck.

failure!

whatever happens, happens

brilliant words from jordan catalano

i've been on a my so called life kick the past few days

so im sitting in my room alone in lovely LA

back home from beautiful orange county where my bff resides

fingers crossed when i go into starbucks tomorrow they're stunned by me and hire me on the spot

i need a job

and need to get out of the house

because im home with adam

he's in his room hating me

i attempted contact and he wasn't in the mood

that was 4 hours ago

so i'll make my next attempt soon..

keep you posted..

soooooo he's asleep. fail.

maybe i'll try again in another 4 hours

a somewhat perfect day.

So i awoke last night at 1:11am to some strange noises in my apartment

i thought someone had broken in 

so of course i had to go investigate

and what do i see?

some strange man standing in my kitchen

literally about to scream and shit myself and then probably be murdered

 until matt walks out of his room and informs me that his friend is staying with us for a few weeks.

so i was relieved somewhat until i realized adam wasn't with them

then of course i started having a panic attack

oh my god he's with some girl

oh my god he's gonna bring a girl home with him

im going to throw up

i hate everything

then i passed out again. 

and was woken up again at 3:18am to screaming or something

turns out it was adam home somewhat drunk

he stumbled outside on the patio to have a cigarette

and i joined him

we talked a little about meaningless things for a few minutes then decided it was time for bed

we went back inside and he asked for some sleeping pills

then he grabbed me and kissed me and said goodnight doll

which of course completely made my night 

oh the little things..

until..

around 4am my friend jon texted me informing the west coast would be hit with some nuclear something or other from the tsunami in the japan earlier this week.

so of course i was up for the next 3 hours googling how long it takes for you to die from radiation poisoning. 

then i passed out.. around 7 maybe.. probably..

and finally woke up at 10:44am and got ready

because it was going to be a glorious day

i was going to be reunited with my best friend

my other half

my sister

who i had not seen for over a year

and it was great.

like we'd never left each other's side

but i guess thats how you can tell who your true friends are

the ones who you can be apart for extended periods of time

but you'll always be close

and thats all that matters.

now were high and ordering stuffed crust pizza and watching jersey shore.

3,114

miles, that is.

life isn't fucking fair.

and thats just something im going to have to accept.

i just moved to good ole los angeles california from a little town in the smallest state aka lincoln, rhode island.

i live with 2 guys.. matt and adam

one of which i am somewhat seeing. not too sure what we are. too afraid to ask.

he's pretty much a huge asshole to me

and im insane and annoying

but we kinda work anyways?

or maybe im just making it all up in my head because i want us to so badly.

well actually who knows if i do.

im all about the chase. i guess

im not sure that if he started adoring me and showing his affection i would even care anymore

daddy issues? maybe.

but then again i honestly cant say id mind being adored. who would?

im not even sure why the hell i care so much

we've barely been talking since december and its mid march.

im getting a bit ahead of myself.

we attempted the long distance thing until i moved out here….

i should probably fill in these pieces

back to november (i was extremely drunk one night and decided I could no longer stand to live in rhode island when my friend dave informed me that adam had a crazy roommate in california and they needed a new one in march. so of course i jumped at the chance. id barely ever spoken to adam before and that was it i said i was moving he said alright and it was set. then we began talking more and it became a non stop texting flirtation and we grew close, he visited in december and it was settled we liked each other and didn't care what anyone thought about the weirdness of things. everyone tried telling us it'd be a mistake that were going to be living together and it was only going to complicate matters. well apparently we don't know how to listen. and then he left and i was sad and missed him right away but i was visiting in 3 weeks and so on. so i visited we had a great time things were perfect somewhat probably not. and as soon as i got back to rhode island everything changed. he didn't want to text as much and i was being needy and missing him. he could've cared less about what i was doing. so one drunken night we got into an angry texting screaming match. i passed out mid conversation due to mass consumption of wine. i woke up at 5am and continued fighting we were sad and crying it was a mess but it in turn made things better.. or so i thought. this was the beginning of february and by the end we were barely speaking and a large part had to do with the fact that i am naggy, annoying, and mental. all i wanted was for him to miss me the way i had been missing him and for him to want to see me and be as excited about seeing me as i was to see him. i got nothing. so we'd barely spoken and i texted him when i was leaving rhode island and said id give him updates along the long 3114 mile car ride i was about to begin. and then i get here and for some reason in my mind i was expecting some grand loving gesture of just how much he missed me. instead i got a half hug and about an hour later we had sex on my bathroom sink. that was all. )

and now here i am a week later. its st patricks day and him and matt are out drinking at some irish pub because they can legally drink and HATE me so of course i was not invited. 

but i realized today that yes, we are opposites. i am a crazy, annoying, over bearing , nice, happy person and he is an asshole who keeps to himself. but maybe theres something in there. not going to press for things. 

just need to learn to go with the flow. 

whatever that means.